The last day of 2009

Here I am on the very last day of 2009. I'm supposed to be thinking back on the past year, reflecting and evaluating. The only problem with that is that I've got a memory like a sieve and a deep-seated preference for walking away. Once a thing is over, it's over, almost like it never happened. For some things, that's a totally healthy way to respond. In other areas, it results in avoidance and stagnation.

Where I sit today, it feels like stagnation. How many other New Year's Eves have been just like this--with a full stomach, a carb-induced headache, droopy eyes from sleeping too little at night and too much in the day, nagging guilt for all the "shoulds" left undone and "have tos" yet to begin, and a belly bulge attesting to too little exercise and too many cookies? I have been here before. I'm tired of being here, even though here is not really horrible or devastating or unacceptable. I am basically happy and healthy. Unlike several years ago, I'm not on the verge of developing diabetes or heart disease. Since that day back in 2004 when my cholesterol topped 200, I've made many, many strides toward health. I'm not fat enough to get on Biggest Loser. I'm not depressed enough for Prozac. I'm not messy enough for Hoarders. I'm not friendless or hopeless or worthless.

But I am back up to 170 pounds. I haven't exercised in weeks. I drag through days cooped up inside, wishing I could get away from my responsibilities, wishing to be back in summertime when it's somehow always so much easier to live a healthy life. Every year this happens. I vow on January 1 that this, THIS will be the year that I don't slide back, the year I will enter the world of the 150's or the world of running 10K and NEVER GO BACK. So I work and sweat and, in the summer, achieve those goals. I have seen the Shangri-La of the 150's and I've conquered the 10K, but then, like every year, fall and winter come and I slip back into the old comfortable habits and sweatpants that let me ignore the unhealthiness that's sneaking back in. I forget what I've learned. I ignore reality. I repeat mistakes. I go where the rut has taken me instead of breaking new ground.

I want to break some new ground. In order to do that, I think I need to make sure I pay attention to the road I'm on and the road I've travelled. I can't keep putting things into the cupboard of forgetfulness and inattention. I can't keep expecting things to be different if I can't even identify the way things are today. If I want things to be different, if I want to BE different, I have to do things differently and do different things. I can't even begin that until I look first at WHAT IS. That's why I'm starting this blog--to record WHAT IS in hopes that I'll be able to see patterns that have eluded me, face truths that I don't want to face, recognize and rejoice in progress my pessimism and perfectionism negate, and work up the gumption to ACT--to look in the mirror and see the truth.

I already know some things that have to change. That'll be another post.